213 Things 2LT Perkins is No Longer Allowed To Do In the New Republic Starfighter Command
Before being transferred to Wraith Squadron (And, thereby, the New Republic Intelligence Agency), Dawn Perkins raised an awful lot of Sith. Here are a few things that she is now aware that she is no longer allowed to do as part of the New Republic Starfighter Command: ---- # I am to stop insinuating to new pilots that there is a secret order of 'Jedi mechanics'. ## The order does not wish to be known. # When the CO tells me to do something, I am to achieve the objective, not lecture him on how slicing actually works. # When the squadron is about to sortie is not the time to buff out a bit of carbon scoring in the X-wing. # ... Even if we're supposed to look 'nice and shiny for the Imps'. # Hitting on a Jedi as they step off the transport is not proper etiquette. # Using a blaster pistol as opposed to an E-11 is not 'subtle' and I am to stop indicating such by pointing at the issued DL-44. # No longer allowed to play 'catch' with thermal detonators, even if their payload has been removed. # Yes, the CO is aware I'm Force-sensitive. No, I do not need to remind him via telekinetically induced wedgies. # ... Even if they can't prove I did it. # The on-station load lifter is not a butler, and I am to stop treating it as such. # That goes double for programming it to make it think it is one. # While droidified vending machines that can take care of themselves are a good idea for deployment into moderate crime areas, they do not need to be equipped with lethal anti-theft countermeasures. Wrongful Death lawsuits cost more than if the whole damn machine were stolen. # ... And justifying the employment of lethal antitheft countermeasures on a droid vending machine by equipping it with lethal antitheft countermeasures that will raise the cost of the droid vending machine above the projected cost of a wrongful death lawsuit is right out. # The assigned R2-series astromechs are not to be used as: Ashtrays, food trays, towel racks, grease traps, or trash receptacles. # My Ackbar sense is not tingling. # 'Hey, spacer' and a shake of the hips is not the way to greet General Solo. # ... Unless your name is Leia Organa-Solo. # When on inspection, not allowed to order another recruit to "Beer the Colonel". # The flight suit is perfectly acceptable for what it does. I am not allowed to redesign it. # ... Nor am I allowed to state that it is the latest fashion on Coruscant. # .... No longer allowed to make issued uniforms fashion statements. # .... For that matter, no longer allowed in any fashion shows. # Not allowed to reprogram an R2 unit into a butler, either. # Not allowed to slice the climate control system to set it to 30 degrees Celsius. # ... Nor am I allowed to misplace laundry. # KP is not intended to be a place to experiment on new, exciting dishes. # Yes, being in the Starfighter Corps means I am an officer. It is still not wise to talk to ground crew like that. ## Seriously. The order does not wish to be known. # Not allowed to make lightsaber noises during pugil practice. # I do not want to be New Republic Drop Corps. # Adjusting the protocol droid so that it can only sing in jizz-wall meter is pushing it. # There is no such thing as 'official New Republic Starfighter Command Trading Cards' and I do not have a 'General Antillies rookie card'. # Not allowed to design 'official New Republic Starfighter Command Trading Cards' and have them printed up. # Wraith Squadron is not hidden on base, and even if they were, I am not in a position to know it. # ... Nor am I in a position to inform new recruits of this and tell them to see if they can figure out who it is. # ... Especially not if it's true! # Distinctly not allowed to slice my way into weapons maintenance to look at the new toys. # The base central computer neither has nor needs HoloNet porn. # Not allowed to call the training module E-wings "Unreliable pieces of Hutt fodder." # ... Even if they are. # ... Even if High Command agrees. # ... Even if General Antillies has even stronger language to voice about them. # For that matter, I am to call all snub fighters by their proper designation. # The accepted way to measure a kill is to place a silhouette on the fighter, not line my barracks with fakeplast skulls. # Not allowed to reprogram the fabricator anymore, either. # No longer allowed to sell pinup posters of shirtless male pilots. # No longer allowed to post pinup posters of shirtless male pilots. # ... Neither is the obverse allowed. # ... Especially if it's my own picture. # I am not authorized to generate propaganda. # Upping the reverb in my communicator and whispering in a tightbeam 'Use the Force' to the rookie is not an acceptable morale booster. # ... Nor is doing the same using telepathy. Especially using telepathy! # My assigned R2 droid did not 'get lost in the crowd'. # Once again, do not want to be part of New Republic Drop Corps. # I am a second lieutenant, not the very model of a modern major general. # ... Also, not all things are animal, vegetable or mineral. # ... High command does not appreciate having their strategic acumen compared to Initiates in a Jedi Cloister. # When I discover two officers of disparate rank making out, the proper response is not to cheer. # ... Nor is it to go get a camera. # No longer allowed to post videos to amateur Holonet video sites. # 'Robonukkha' is not a recognized religious holiday by the New Republic. # ... For that matter, not allowed to wear an R2's domeplate as a hat. # Non-pilot midshipmen are not toys. # Corellians do not do it against the odds. # Just because I found the remains of an old B-1 battle droid does not mean I get to keep it. # ... Even if it followed me home. # Coruscanti do not do it in metal boxes. # Tatooinians do not do it with sand. # ... Even if I'm just referring to showers. # Asking a lifelong spacer if he 'ever gets real lonely up there' is not allowed. # ... Even if I am a lifelong spacer myself. # ... Asking if he's ever 'gone to the Unknown Regions' in a suggestive tone is right out. # Duct tape exists to temporarily join two non-conduit objects together. This does not include buttcheeks. # Morning KP is not "The Breakfast Club" and I am to stop referring to it as such. # ... Especially if it's the same people every time. # Handing out sexual innuendo that creeps out the male pilots, while it does give them a taste of their own medicine, is not allowed. # A power prybar is not the ground crew's way of saying hello. # Not allowed to requisition the following items: an hour, a full stop, walking carpet droids, left-handed hydrospanners, a clue, any form of heavy weaponry, a PL-1, a computer slice. # Not allowed to generate new slang. # Even if the schematics allow it, cannot give my X-wing permanent afterburners. # ... Nor can I program the food dispenser to give me gin and juice. # When off-base at a restaurant, I cannot give my party name as "Darth". # ... Nor can I secure reservations with a breath mask and a vocoder. # The squadron cricket game is not an appropriate time to have taken everyone's undergarments. # I am to put those parts back on the shelf. # ... Even if I can use them to build a spare X-wing. # Scanner anomalies are to be taken seriously, not dismissed with "It's just a funny lookin' blob, it'll wipe off". # Pillaging is distinctly against regulations, no matter what the CO says. # ... Further, I am to take "Pick your target" as a fire command. # ... Further, a Y-Wing is not a tug, and using it as such with a mobile installation causes the ground crews to get headaches. # ... And any Imperial officers inside are to be reported to Command when that happens. Proper security measures do not include tying said officer up inside your barracks. # Proper procedure regarding the capture and disposal of seized narcotics caches includes immediately reporting to your superior officers. "I disintegrated it with a disruptor or something" is not acceptable. # I am not the Lizard Queen. # Proper procedure regarding loss of data cylinders includes immediately reporting the loss to your superior officers. Slicing your way in to the base is similarly unacceptable. # ... Especially if I can do it without setting off base alarms. # ... Even if it's not my fault SigInt is still using the factory pre-sets. # Plasma cutters are for use cutting durasteel only. Pyrotechnic displays are right out. # Further use of the Intelligence Officer's miniature surveillance equipment will land me on punishment detail until I leave the base. # ... that goes double if I put it in the showers. # ... No, it is not essential intelligence. # Not every hydrospanner is a lightsaber, and I am to stop asking. ## Really. The order does not wish to be known. # Sonic welders are not toys, even if they do make that fake laser beam noise when tuned improperly. # I will tune my sonic welder properly when it is not in use. # I must not point out that the pilot who said it would be like shooting fish in a barrel is not capable of doing the same from his Y-wing. # ... Even if it's true. # ... I am not to set up a competition just to prove it, either. # ... If I do all the above, I am not to post the simulator results on the corkboard in the mess. # New Republic Starfighter Command is not in the business of producing musicals. # The vox is for mission-essential radio only. That means no heavy isotope. # No longer allowed to use archaic slang, either. # My superior officer is not to be addressed as "Major Crank". # The hyperspace sled is initially set to triple zero for easy input, not because we are on a field trip to Coruscant. # Cannot ask for a memo of the mission brief. # Napping is not a valid excuse for missing council meetings. Or combat drills. Or wars. # Base Computer is not for loading and playing Miner Fortress, either. # In fact, yes, the base central computer is only for database and sensor purposes, why? # Not allowed to shut down climate control as a non-essential central computer function. # Not allowed to shut down atmo shields as a non-essential central computer function. # In fact, no longer allowed to run air traffic for the base. # No matter what my power prybar says, cannot fit into a slim. # It doesn't matter if we were fighting the 181st, cannot put little devil horns on my silhouettes. # When in holding pattern for the carrier, not allowed to play with link-fire controls. # While performing maintenance on one's assigned snub is encouraged, overclocking the navcomp is not. # It is impossible to tighten a restraining bolt, and I am to stop requisitioning oversized hydrospanners to make the attempt. # I am not to send the following through the New Republic Post: A hill of beans, a hug, time, the published plans for the First Death Star, A baby's first dream, a PL-1, restraining bolts set to attach to durasteel, or a large open pit. # I may not be able to break the laws of physics, but I do not need to inform the wing commander of this. # Not allowed to use hyperspace sleds to toboggan in snow. # "We don't need any water, let the motherfucker burn" is not the appropriate response to a fire control order. # ... Even if I'm reaching for the fire extinguisher when I say it. # Not allowed to reprogram R2s into other unit members' butlers, either. # No, I cannot mount the skull of that space snake on my X-wing's hood. # I am not a member of the Corellian Triad. # Nor am I a member of New Republic Intelligence. # Nor have I been charged by the secret order of Jedi mechanics to stamp out heresy in my unit. ## The order does not wish to be known. # No one expects the Republic Inquisition because it does not exist. ## This is not 'just what they want you to think'. # 'I hit him with my axe' is not an acceptable response to being briefed about a new starfighter in the theatre. # No longer allowed to keep tabs on ground crew. # If it's not sidearm munition, it doesn't belong in the sidearm compartment. # Similarly, if it is not survival equipment, it doesn't belong in the survival equipment compartment. # A rifle is not essential survival equipment. # Even if the nearest planet is Force-benighted Dagobah. # No longer allowed to refer to planets as 'Force-benighted'. # Walkers and snubfighters are two very different machines, and one cannot transform into the other. # There is no way to combine five snubs into one unstoppable walker. # There is no such project to create a walking, planet-destroying battle tank. Even if there were, the Republic would not entitle such a project "Durasteel Gear." # If I want spoons, I can wash them during KP. # Even if they're apparently not on the same water circuit, flushing a toilet sitting right next to the showers is not recommended. # In fact, you know what, all droids are to be used in the manner they were designed only while I am in Starfighter Command. # No longer allowed to use R2 units to slice the climate control. # No longer allowed to use 3PO units to translate everything for me from/to Huttese. # No longer allowed to use the load lifter to lift high explosives into the second-story balcony. # Using the astromech to plot a course 300 km off formation is similarly a no-no. ## Even if it ends up saving everyone from a surprise pack of squints. # Deploying S-foils to attack position is standard procedure for a prepared space battle from ground. It is not a euphemism. # Likewise putting up deflector shields. # Also ejecting previous to mission completion. # Nor even assuming Attack Pattern Zeta Nine. # I am to pay attention when the flight officer is talking to me. # When facing captured Imperial officers, the proper greeting is "Hello", not "I bet you scream real purty." # When captured, my first priority should be escape, not causing further damage. # Further damage is a decent secondary objective, however, so I am to keep this in mind and not dust and otherwise clean up after myself. # Physical training requirements are important for a starfighter pilot, who needs to remain in top conditioning to be able to fly properly. However, this does not include watching other pilots work out. # Not allowed to call the guy who only did 101 pushups a pansy. # Mentioning that the relativistic shields are 'probably okay' is not a morale-boosting statement. # Flowers and a punch to the face is not a traditional Wookiee mating ritual. # Nor is it a traditional greeting, and in either case, I am to stop telling recruits this. # Ewoks do not, as a general rule, have a fetish for humans. # Not allowed to insinuate I have anything against Twi'lek. # People clearly live on Coruscant, no matter what the thermodynamic analysis says. # Inside the simulator is not the time to mention crippling claustrophobia. ## Especially if I don't have it. # Even if I am trained to do so, not allowed to take apart a slim and reassemble it in the officers' mess with the help of secret Jedi mechanics. # Especially because there are no secret Jedi mechanics. ## The order does not wish to be known. # Cannot give Jedi robes to my flight commander on his birthday, no matter how nice they look. # Cannot give "My First Remote Kit" either. # Dagobah is not for lovers. # There is no Dagobah Tourist Board. # If I am given a courier mission to Yavin IV, I am to complete it and hyperspace right back, not kick back a few drinks with the Knights while I wait for Master Skywalker to show up and take the message. ## Even if General Antilles is there. # If I am given a courier mission to Corellia, I am to complete it and leave, not 'bar crawl' in the Skids because 'I have time'. # I was not given a courier mission to Tatooine. # I was not given a courier mission to New Plympto. # I was not given a courier mission to Dagobah. # The flight XO's hands are not bigger than his head, and it is not a sign of Force-sensitivity in any case. # Cannot go snowboarding with a spare X-wing landing tread. # Jamming enemy communications is appropriate. Calling this "battle music", however, is not. # I am not 'shocked, SHOCKED, to find gambling in this facility'. # Not allowed to sneak up on the guards while they are at post. ## Even if I didn't intend to. # Doubling the suction in the head is going to get me KP. # 'I'm in my safe happy hole' is not the proper response to being correctly pressurized in a depressurization drill. # Neither is 'Snug in my blankie, sir'. # If I am not MP, I am not to place people under arrest. # The data cylinder is not a faaaaaake. # There is no New Republic Anti-Imperial Happiness Officer. # The base central computer is not my friend and I am to stop addressing it as such. # When stationed aboard a cruiser, I am to refer to it by its given name, not 'Rustbucket O'Brien'. # If my hobby is to slice into surrounding computers, I need a new hobby. # If my hobby is hydrospanner juggling, I need a new hobby. # I am not to store smut in the ship's database. ## Even if it's really good smut. # The XO is not there just to bring coffee. # If I can tell it's not functioning, the proper response is to mark it with a downcheck, not to call for a janitor droid. # Boiling fish in a barrel just so the Y-wing pilot won't have a moving target is not acceptable. # When in a Y-wing, not supposed to use turret to spell my name on an asteroid. # If I break formation down and early, it had better be because I saw a red blip on my HUD. # Am not to give the Y-wings 'flappy wings to fly better'. # Not allowed to afterburn the Y-wing, either. # A-wings are not intended for bombing duty. # Concussion missiles are expensive; I am not to launch one simply to watch the TIE explode pretty. # Yes, we are phasing out our fleet of captured TIE/in. No, I do not get to draw happy faces on the eyeballs. # B-wings are not interceptors, no matter how much afterburner I apply, it's not going to catch up to the squint. # Hydraulic landing gears are not intended to be used to 'hop' the snub. # In the middle of a dogfight is not the time to look for new barrack assignments. # Carbon scoring is not the bane of my existence. # Should not have to be told that finishing maintenance put on hold for lack of pilots does not need completion immediately. # I am not to follow the ground crew around in an attempt to assess which are Force-sensitive or not. ## The order does not wish to be known. # When I am given an objective, I am to complete it according to standard operating procedures for New Republic Starfighter Command. This means not abandoning my X-wing in favor of a Lambda shuttle. ## Even if I have the proper IFF codes. # Perhaps I would be better off in Wraith Sqadron. Category:Knights of the New Republic Category:Star Wars